Monday, June 21, 2010

Be still....

Be Still......

I think I am a bit high strung.  I am a warrior - and I do battle in all areas of my life.  I always have.  I battle for justice, I battle for right, I battle for fairness, I battle for control, I battle against sin.  War, strife, victory, defeat.  That is the story of my life.  But what I really want is a quiet and gentle spirit.  I want to be able to see all of the battles to be won, and know that God is my champion.  I want to know that I don't have to wade into the midst of the battle and slay the giant.  God already slew him.  I want to relinquish my control.

Of course, I know that I am not in control.  In my head, I know that God is sovereign, and that I am but a vapor, but my heart still strives for control.  When somethings seems unfair, I want to go to war.  When someone wrongs me, I want to fight back.  When I don't get what I think I want, I want to throw myself to the floor and have a temper tantrum.     And then, I hate myself.  I see my sin.  I hate my sin.  So what do I do?  I fight it.  Just like everything else, I fight.

My husband and I have been at odds about where to move when we sell our home.  I would like to go one way, he another.  I think I am right.  He thinks he is right.  I want to fight.  But more than that, I want to be a wise woman.  I want to follow my husband's lead.  I want to be still, and know that He (God) is God.  My prayer has been "Lord, give me a quiet and gentle spirit, let me be content wherewith I find myself, let me follow my husband, and Lord, let me honor You."

In order to pray that prayer, I have had to give up a lot.  I have had to give up my right to fight.  I have had to give up my "control".  I have had to understand that my God is in control.  I have had to accept that though my husband may be a flawed, sinful man, he is a good man and he is the leader of our home and God will use him to lead and protect this family.  I have had to learn that being a godly woman means having a quiet and gentle spirit.  I have learned that I am not to not get upset, scared or fearful about the days to come, but am to walk boldly, with confidence and faith.  I have learned that the battle belongs to the Lord, and my battles are won on my knees.

Does all of this mean that I am a quiet, retiring, mouse of a woman?  Heaven forbid!  I have come to the realization that having a quiet and gentle spirit really has nothing to do with how "quiet" you are.  It has everything to do with were you place your trust.  It has everything to do with trusting that God is your champion, and knowing that if their is a battle to be fought, that God himself stands in the gap.  It has everything to do with hearing God's still, small voice whispering "be still and know that I Am God".

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