Charitable Spending

Just when you thought you couldn't find a charity worthy of your hard earned dollars......I present "Millennial International".  Your consideration is much appreciated!

Ignorance Cloaked in Tolerance

I'm not much of a SNL fan, however their attempt at humor struck a little too close to the truth....

You Might be Apocalypse Barbie if....

Image from Predator Intelligence

A number of months ago, Sir Knight and I took a much needed weekend off.  We left the children at home and made the trek to my parents house to spend a couple of days of wonderful fellowship.  We visited and ate and solved all of the worlds problems and generally enjoyed ourselves immensely.

One evening, my dad brought out a plate carrier that he had recently bought for mom, so that Sir Knight could help him get it all kitted out and ready.  Dad had mom put the carrier on, while he and Sir Knight moved around her, customizing all of the adjustments - letting it out a bit here and sucking it in there.  After the fit was perfect, they set about adding molle attachments.  "Do you want a dump pouch?", "How about a double taco?".  "Do you think a drop leg platform would work for you?".

As I sat there watching the proceedings, mom with her arms outstretched while dad and Sir Knight added accessories, it struck me - my dad and husband were grown up boys with their very own "Apocalypse Barbie".  Their "Barbie" wore combat boots and multicam and they could dress her in any number of tactical outfits.  They could outfit her with three day pack and an AR-15 for Long Range Reconnaissance Patrols, a Banshee Plate Carrier (with threat III plates), a Blackhawk CQB (Close Quarters Battle) holster (complete with a 1911 pistol) mounted high for operating out of a vehicle, 3 magazine pouches for the 1911 along with 3 double pouches for a total of 6 AR-15 magazines, for a mounted rescue mission.  Or, they could go light with Multicam summer-weight BDU's, a slung AR with a battle belt, a drop leg pistol holster and just a few extra magazines.  When you're dressing Apocalypse Barbie, the sky's the limit!

Image from Predator Intelligence

In an effort to help you determine if you, too, are an "Apocalypse Barbie", Maid Elizabeth and I have come up with a few indicators.

You Might be Apocalypse Barbie if.....

1. You've ever uttered the words "Does this plate carrier make my butt look fat?"
2. You have combat boot in multiple patterns and colors.
3. You've ever received body armor for Christmas... and were excited.
4. Your iphone has a Magpul protective case.
5. You require the pattern on your magazine pouches to match the Duracoat on your weapon.
6. You refuse to mix woodland camouflage with multicam.
7. You wear R.A.T. boots and F.R.O.G. blouses.
8. You really wish Infidel Body Armor would make contoured plates for a woman's shape.
9. You actually think your combat boots look great with your long skirts.
10. You've ever put your hair in a french braid so that your MICH helmet fits.
11. Your son has ever uttered the words "My mom wears combat boots".
12. You extol the virtues of "group standard" weapons to your girlfriends.
13. Your local gas station owner seeks your advice when trying to determine whether to buy an AR or an AK.
14. You have shemaghs to match all of your camo patterns.
15. You hunt deer with a Steyr SSG.
16. You've ever used the helmet light on your MICH helmet to find lost socks in the dark.

There you have it, a few hallmarks of Apocalypse Barbie.  My husband claims that boys don't play with dolls - so I guess I'm his "Action Figure"!  (I think he's really in it for the accessories!)

The "Normals" Guide to Shouse Living

It has been brought to my attention that our lifestyle is rather shocking to a large portion of "normal", grid-dependant, house-living, regular folk.  More than once, guests have mentioned that a passport should be required just to drive up our driveway.  Having lived our rather unconventional lifestyle for so long, I often forget what a shock it can be for the uninitiated.  In that vein, I have written The "Normals" Guide to Shouse Living, a primer designed to help "normals" navigate the lesser-known pitfalls of off-grid/shouse living.

1.  Toilet Etiquette:  The toilet is flushed, on a very precise schedule, which has nothing to do with bodily functions, and everything to do with the amount of water currently residing in the pressure tank.  Always ask your host before you flush.

2.  Bathroom Etiquette:  When the bathroom is in use, the curtains are drawn.  However, one must always announce oneself before entering the bathroom, just in case.

3.  Hatchets, Axes & Splitting Malls:  These tools, commonly relegated to outdoor use, are perfectly at home in the kitchen of an off-grid shouse.  When the lady of the shouse shoulders an ax, it is most likely to cut small wood or kindling for the cookstove, thus ensuring a timely and well cooked dinner.  Please, don't automatically assume that the ax-wielding lady of the house intends you any ill-will.  She will most likely continue a lively conversation while splitting firewood on the kitchen floor.

4.  Shoe & Boot Etiquette:  A shouse is meant to be lived in, therefore, removing ones shoes or boots at the door is not required.  To be perfectly honest, removing ones footwear could be a monumental mistake, as a shouse floor, regardless of the season, is not known for its cleanliness.  The lack of baseboards and walls, in combination with an 8' x 16' door opening and an outdoor lifestyle, contribute to the layers upon layers of built up grime and dirt.

5.  Heating, Ventilation & Air Conditioning:  In a shouse, the heating system consists solely of a wood cookstove.  If the air has a chill to it, simply add a log to the fire.  Remember, although the cookstove is wonderful to nestle up to on a cold winters night, it does contain real fire and will, therefore, not hesitate to burn you.  Ventilation and Air Conditioning are very closely related. They both consist of opening windows or doors, depending on the situation.  In extreme conditions, it may be advisable to open windows and doors, including the roll-up garage door.  During the height of summer, when nighttime temperatures are uncomfortably warm, all doors and windows are opened during the cool of the evening (and even overnight) and closed during the heat of the day, rendering the shouse moderately comfortable.

6.  Laundry:  Laundry is washed on sunny days only (to ensure full utilization of the solar system).  During warm, seasonable weather, the clean laundry is hung to dry on the clothes line in the front yard.  Although your skivvies are on display for the world to see, they return to your drawer unquestionably soft and sweet smelling.  During the colder winter months, the laundry is hung on the clothes horse in the kitchen.  It is essential that no strong smelling foods (such as onions) are cooked on the wood cookstove while the clothes are drying on the horse, or your clothes will retain a pungent, unpleasant scent until they are again laundered.

7.  Spring/Mud Season Etiquette:  During the long mud season (known in some locales as spring), make sure to wear only Wellington style boots.  Before entering the shouse, vigorously wipe your boots in clean patches of snow or swish them in puddles of water to remove as much dirt and mud as possible.  And for heaven's sake, don't take your boots off at the door!  The floors can be easily cleaned, however, your socks are another matter altogether.

8.  Bathroom Etiquette Revisited:  Although in a "normal" home, the bathroom is reserved solely for the purposes of personal hygiene and other, shall we say, more personal matters, the shouse bathroom serves multiple purposes.  Not only does a shouse bathroom house a bathtub and a toilet, it also contains lead acid forklift batteries, power inverters and charge controllers.   It is of utmost importance, when using the facilities in a shouse, that you maintain a calm and unflappable demeanor at all times.  Although rather unsettling at first, the sudden whirring of the charge controller or the cooling fan of the inverters is perfectly normal.  Dropping trow and running, screaming from the bathroom is truly frowned upon.

9.  Insects:  Because shouse living is a very earthy, back-to-the-land experience, you can expect a great variety of insects to share your living quarters.  Spiders are regarded as friendly helpers, as they greatly reduce the fly population and mosquito hawks are welcomed.  In an effort to reduce the ill-effects of the most bothersome pests, fly strips are hung at regular intervals (especially in the kitchen) and mosquito nets shroud every bed.  Remember, the nets are not just romantic, decorative additions, but necessary requirements.

10.  Pest Control:  When living in a shouse, you will be host to many little prairie creatures.  Do your best not to make them welcome.   Keeping a simple trap line (fueled with peanut butter), seems to be the most effective method of rodent control.  When visiting a shouse, it is not the least bit unusual to see a snippet of a rodent body peaking out from under one piece of furniture or another.  Don't panic.  The shouse owner will soon discard the body and re-energize the trap.

As you can see, there are many matters of etiquette that need to be attended while living in or visiting a shouse.  If you find yourself welcomed into a shouse or an off-grid home, you may want to consult this simple primer.  Remember, although no passports are required to visit a shouse, they are highly recommended.

Shooting Essentials

WARNING:  This video contains some coarse content.

For all you folks that have been trained in traditional firearm handling methods there are some new, essential techniques you need to know.  Although many of you may never be in a situation where these techniques are necessary, it is better to know them and not need them than to need them and not know them.

I present to you......Gangster shooting essentials!

Driving the Dodge

Back when I was a kid (I know, that makes me sound ancient - but really I'm not), the legal driving age in my state was 14.  Due to the fact that we were very rural and a lot of families depended on their young children to be able to drive farm equipment, we climbed behind the wheel early.

Knowing that kids don't have the best depth perception or driving skills, my parents started both my brother and I out driving our firewood rig - a 1942 Dodge Power Wagon (military version, of course).  Now, this was  no ordinary power wagon.  It was a classic.  It had a massive winch on the front, perfect for dragging trees out of the woods, a wood plank covered flatbed and mammoth steel bumpers, front and rear.  It sat high off the ground, making it a scramble for little kids to climb into, and had a gear shift that must have been 2 1/2 feet long.  And best of all - it had no brakes.

Long before my brother and I were old enough to drive, we went on many wood cutting excursions in our power wagon.  My dad would find a likely place to fall a couple of trees, drive within striking distance (hopefully not within falling distance!) and begin an afternoon of sawing logs and loading the rounds into the back of the power wagon.  With careful stacking, we were able to load about a cord and a half of tamarack onto the flatbed and begin our descent off the hill.  This is where the fun began.

As I mentioned, our power wagon didn't have any brakes.  This was an interesting experience on the best of days, but when the truck was loaded down with a cord and a half of wood and headed down a hill that didn't boast so much as a dirt road, it was awe inspiring.

Necessity became the mother of invention (we really did need the firewood) and my dad came up with a working solution to his braking problem.  He ran over trees.  Well, not just trees, he also ran over stumps - really anything to slow his descent.  And he couldn't just choose any stump or tree, they had to be the right ones.  If the sapling was too small, it just bent and did nothing to slow the truck down, however, if it was too big, it shook the truck and upset our firewood in the back, spilling it all over the hillside.  Stumps were even trickier.  They had to be the right height and have the correct amount of decomposition.  If they were too rotten they just flew into microscopic pieces, but if they were too fresh or too tall - well, you get the picture.

After the first hair raising descent down the mountainside with our power wagon careening around full-grown Douglas Fir trees while mowing over the less fortunate saplings, my mother swore to never, ever step foot in that vehicle again - or at least until it had proper brakes.  From that day forward, we had a new system.  We would all go together to the hillside to cut wood.  Once the truck was loaded and we were ready to begin our descent, my mother and I would head down the hill - on foot - and my dad, with my brother beside him, would get into the cab.  As my dad steered (and hit all the right trees) my brother would man the emergency brake, pulling it at just the right time to avoid certain death.  Mom and I would always get a head start, but by the time we were nearing the bottom of the hill, we would have to duck and cover as the truck flew screaming past, so as not to be hit with flying firewood.  Oh, those were the days!

And so, when I was 12, my mom and dad decided it was time for me to learn the finer points of driving - in our 1942 Power Wagon - with no brakes!  Smart parents, they were.  No one ever noticed the little dings here and there that my brother and I put on that truck.  Heck, we probably could have crunched in an entire front panel and nobody would have noticed (no, I take that back - Dad definitely would have noticed!). It was the perfect starter rig.  It didn't go more than 40 miles an hour, was built like a tank and forced us to become very good at shifting (no brakes, remember?).  Oh, did I mention that it had the coolest paint job ever?  Woodland Camouflage.  Classic.

The other day, Maid Elizabeth said, "Mom, you've got to see this truck!".  She showed me an article featuring a beautifully restored power wagon.  It was built on an original chassis but had been updated with a new engine, fuel injection and all kinds of other gadgets.  For a moment, it made my heart go pitter-pat, but then I read the rest of the article - this new fangled power wagon just wasn't for me - someone had the gall to ruin the whole thing - they installed brakes.

Witchetty Grubs

It is firewood season in the nether lands of the north and we are once again putting saw to log to keep our family warm.  This year, we have a logging truck load of fine looking Tamarack (Western Larch) and Red Fir that is well seasoned and ready for the stove.  As we were splitting the wood and stacking it in the shed, we noticed a number of rather large, plump white grubs hiding in the bark.  After the children had a riotous time chasing each other with the wiggling grubs, we got back to the work at hand and put the grubs far from our minds.

Later, as I was reading an old pioneer recipe book I picked up at an antique store, I came across a rather interesting recipe from the outback of Australia for a delicacy known as "Witchetty Grubs".  It was in the "Picnic" section of the book that was introduced with the following: "The origin of picnics has been traced to Charles, Prince of Wales, afterwards Charles I., who, in the year 1618, gave such a party, and invited the marquises, lords, knights, and squires to bring every man his dish of meat".

Although obviously appropriate for a proper picnic, I thought I would add Witchetty Grubs to my survival recipes, knowing that many people in a survival situation are very likely to come across fallen logs and would be quite grateful to know that a protein rich meal was but a moment away.  And so, without further adieu......

Witchetty Grubs
Those fat, white grubs found in the damp rotting bark of old trees, are delicious cooked in honey.  Wild honey can sometimes be found in the bush.

That is the recipe in its entirety.  Please, I would love to hear from those of you who venture to try this latest offering in my lineup of survival recipes!  Happy munching!

Here's to Texas

Captain Crunch - this is for you and all your Texas brothers - thanks for keeping the rest of us in line!

The Coyote Story

CALIFORNIA :

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and
then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is
natural.In the process the Governor is bitten by the coyote.

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State
$200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases
from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a
$100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness
program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies
and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The
State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special
training regarding the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against
the State.

TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote
jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge and about $500 of his personal money on his gun.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHY CALIFORNIA IS BROKE AND TEXAS IS NOT. 

*  I'm not sure who authored this little piece of bittersweet humor, but if you do, please let me know so that I can give proper credit!

Dear Discovery.....

An open letter to the Discovery Channel.

Dear Discovery Channel;

Recently, my husband and I rented one of your programs from Netflix called "The Colony". Unfortunately, Netflix had mis-categorized the show, labeling it "Reality" when clearly it should have been categorized as "Comedy".  You may want to contact Netflix and have them remedy this oversight.

We did come across a couple of technical errors we thought you might want to be made aware of, for future reference, of course.

• When fleeing a major metropolitan area in a post-apocalyptic world, no survivor in his/her right mind would hole up in an 85,000 square foot warehouse (made of tin - you could breach it with a can opener!).  For starters, a space that large is completely indefensible, not to mention tactically untenable.  
• Random survivors would not ALL happen to be wearing scarves.
• 1 Carp does not feed 10 people (with fillets) and nobody who is starving to death would think to make Orange Gravy to go over their rice.
• Goats require fodder and fresh water in order to produce milk.
• To make cheese, you must have rennet, which means there would be no more little goat (rennet is made from the stomach).
• There is not a survivalist on earth who would think that building a "dirigible" (for aerial reconnaissance) was a good idea when they were starving to death.
• Finding medications in a hospital after a plague, borders on the ridiculous.
• Finding the materials to build an electric trike, an ozantor, a working phonograph, a Tesla coil, a solar tracker for a solar array, and enough battery clamps for 20 car batteries (both lead acid and gel cell, being charged together!) is not only highly unlikely but, quite frankly, is rather comedic.
• Without a charge controller, the solar panels would have fried the batteries with the first full day of sun.
• The "generator" (made from a pressure washer and two car alternators) was turning so slowly (not enough RPM's) that it wouldn't have created more than a few amps of power - never enough to charge the batteries (oh, and the pressure washer would not have been able to run one alternator at maximum output, let alone two).
• You don't try to beat fish with a fish trap, rather you leave it in the river and let it catch fish that you then pick up on your next trip.
• You can't just dump lye, lard and herbs into a pot and get soap (by the way, where did the lard come from?  Just wondering.).  You have to stir and stir and stir until the soap saponifies and then you must let it age, otherwise the lye will burn your skin.

At this point the whole thing starts to get pretty redundant.  We won't even cover the security issues, hygiene issues and other survival basics.  Suffice it to say, had this been a real TEOTWAWKI event, your colonist would have died, quickly and horribly.  Our 7 year old summed it up when, halfway through the first episode, she asked "What are they trying to do?".  I answered "they are trying to survive the end of the world".  She said "well, they are doing it wrong".  Out of the mouths of babes!

Although I am quite certain you meant for this show to be included in the comedy section, I thought I would bring these discrepancies to your attention just in case "The Colony" had been correctly classified as Reality T.V.  

If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to call me (again).

Yours very sincerely,

Enola Gay

Paratus Familia Blog

Reasonable Government

I have had a socio-political awakening.  All these years, I have believed that our all-reaching Government was intrusive and oppressive.  I have railed against the tyranny of self-important potentates dictating their corrupt morality to the masses.  But now, I have realized the error of my ways.  Our government is perfectly reasonable - they are only behaving in accordance with how we created them.

Recently, I came across a song that perfectly describes our current political climate.  Never mind that it is about Zombies - just substitute Judge, Legislator or President for Zombie, and you will have an accurate portrayal of just how reasonable our government truly is.....

NOTE:  For those of you who are wondering, this was written tongue-in-cheek!

Best Self Defense Cartridge?

We came across this YouTube video and thought it was humorous and thought provoking - let me know what you think!

Need Drama???

Just when you think your life is not exciting enough.....


CAUTION:  There is a woman on a motorcycle that is a little racy - be forewarned!

Equipment Review Retraction - Gerber Omnivore

Flashlight Shootout!

A while back we reviewed the Gerber Omnivore flashlight.  (The review can be found here).  We had used it for a couple of months and where more than satisfied.  Long term use (if you can call 12 months long term), however, proved the Omnivore to be less than satisfactory.  In this vein, we decided to provide you with a "Flashlight Shootout".

Contender #1 - Gerber Omnivore

• Price:  $27.00
• Construction:  Machined aircraft grade aluminum, waterproof - sealed with O rings
• Batteries:  Capable of using AAA, AA and CR123 batteries (a huge selling point)
• Specifications:  Ultra-bright LED lamp

Contender #2 - Thrift Store child's flashlight

• Price:  $.25 (Yes, that is 25 cents!)
• Construction:  Plastic (glows in the dark if you hold it up to the light!)
• Batteries:  3 AAA battery pack (can use rechargeable)
• Specifications:  Old-school multiple LED technology

How we conducted the test:

The Gerber Omnivore was used for multiple mundane lighting tasks.  It lived indoors, on a hutch with our radio gear and our rechargeable battery equipment.  It was used only by adults (with the occasional teenager using it to light the way to the generator) and never was exposed to moisture.  

The thrift store child's light was owned by a three year old.  It spent most of its life living under piles of toys, under beds and sitting in spilled hot cocoa.  It also survived several trips down the stair case, landing on the concrete floor.  It disappeared for approximately three months and was discovered hibernating in a snow bank.  It was used as a gun, a club and occasionally a flying projectile.

Flash Light Comparison:

How did our contenders fair?  The Gerber Omnivore's off/on switch failed completely, rendering the flashlight little more than a very expensive piece of aluminum.  We have been completely unable to contact Gerber (their website won't load using Safari) and have been unable to resolve the Omnivore's issues.  Even after disassembling the switch, Sir Knight was unable to resolve the problem.  It appears to be in a section of the switch that is sealed.  

The $.25 thrift store flashlight is still working well.  No matter how many times it bounces down the stairs, off siblings heads and off rocks in the front yard, it still performs flawlessly.  The on/off switch always works and the glow-in-the-dark feature is a popular feature with 3 and 4 year old flashlight owners.  The fact that Dad regularly asks to use his flashlight is also rather exciting.

The good, the bad and the ugly?  The expensive flashlight left much to be desired, namely, illumination.  Ultimately, if a flashlight no longer lights up it has become worthless.  We really wanted to love the Omnivore.  The fact that it could accept multiple batteries only added to its usefulness, however, it is only useful as long as it works.  We would rather purchase tons of cheap flashlights than spend a lot of money on one or two expensive ones that don't hold up.  It appears that the adage "you get what you pay for" is not true in this instance.  The thrift store flashlight was by far a better deal than the Gerber.

Once again, I would encourage everyone to use what they have.  If you don't use it now, you won't know what to expect when you really need it.  

We will continue our search for a worthwhile emergency flashlight, meanwhile, we hope that you "use it, use it, use it"!

Wrangling Cats

Nice word picture, isn't it? Wrangling cats.  Truth be told, I spend a lot of time thinking I do exactly that.  As a mother, it is my job to train my children.  I need to see that they are making wise use of their time, completing their jobs adequately and generally making progress in all areas of their lives.  I make sure they are out of bed on time, don't dawdle while eating breakfast and quickly finish their morning chores.  I am in charge of seeing that they are kind to one another, always tell the truth and put other people before themselves.

It's harder than it sounds.  Really.  Just try to get numerous children of all ages moving seamlessly from one task to the next.  There is only one of me and four of them (I cannot include Maid Elizabeth in their wayward number) - I am truly outnumbered!  When I get one going in the correct direction, another darts out of the herd.  While trying to get that one back, and attempting to keep the first one on the straight and narrow, another gets off-track.  Just when I think I have everything under control, one of them will throw me a curve ball.  It is enough, from time to time, to make me want to throw my hands up in despair.

But, I don't really have quit in me and so I persevere.  Besides, there is nothing quite so rewarding as seeing my children learn and grow and mature.  It is something to behold on those days when they work like a well-oiled machine - and I know that the only way I will ever be rewarded with those days is by training them, every day, without fail.  I know that diligence and persistence will produce the fruit of well-adjusted children that are able to direct themselves and conduct their lives well.

But still.....it does sometimes feel like I am trying to wrangle cats!

Investing in Technology Futures

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  In the new world we may be entering, the new high tech will be the old low tech....

Old technology

The Future

Old Technology

The Future

Old Technology

The Future

Old Technology

The Future

Old Technology

The Future

Preppers definitely have the inside track on this new investment opportunity.  Now may be the time to invest in technological futures!

You Might be a Prepper if.....

Last week, I was running low on tea.  In our family, this is a catastrophe of epic proportions.  We have tea every morning before Sir Knight leaves for work and every afternoon when he returns.  The tea pot makes its appearance the moment a guest graces our home and whenever we are feeling a little low.  Often, we end our evening with a short pot of gunpowder green tea and a cozy, oil lamp illuminated living room.  The long and the short of it is - we have a tea addiction.

Alarmed when he noticed our almost empty tea canister, Master Hand Grenade said "Mom, can we get tea in a 5 gallon bucket?"  This is not a "normal" statement.  At least I don't think that it is.  And so that got me to thinking -  what other unusual occurrences happen in the house of a prepper?  What follows are a few of the things we came up with.

You Might be a Prepper if......

• You buy your tea in 5 gallon buckets

• You know when you've broken into the stored toilet paper because it smells like pickles

• You know the contents of a bucket simply by the sound

• The folks at the Mormon pantry know you by name

• You can cook better with your wood cookstove than you can with your conventional range

• You have more antibiotics on hand than the local clinic

• Your 4 year old asks for a pink bug-out bag for her birthday

• Your neighbors call you instead of 911

• You can jump-start your 24 volt generator with a 12 volt car battery

• Your favorite car trip game is "When I bug out, I'm going to take with me....."

• Your 12 year old daughter instructs a 53 year old lawyer how to properly use his AR-15

• You honestly think closets are for food

• You let your dentist know what antibiotics you put your son on to combat an infection (including dosage and duration) and he tells you to call him when you actually need something

• You know that plastic is not an oxygen barrier

• You use the acronym EMP in regular conversation

• You know what a Faraday Cage is

• You pause Zombie movies in the middle to point out tactical errors

• You think the movie "Tremors" is a classic

• Your son's favorite color is camouflage

• You think you've hit the jackpot when somebody offers you free food-grade buckets

• You think your lensatic compass is immensely more reliable than your GPS unit

• Your currently using toothpaste that hasn't been manufactured for 5 years

• All your food has dates on it

• You're on a first-name basis with Lehman's Non-electric hardware

And the list could go on and on.  Now, where do I find tea in 5 gallon buckets?

The Best Place to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Miss Calamity and I were heading to town the other day and our conversation turned to - what else - zombies.  We were noticing the fences surrounding homes as we traveled along and deemed most of them woefully inadequate - they wouldn't keep out stray dogs, much less the flesh-eating undead.  A vast majority of the fences were of the picket variety, although, being in farm country, there were a number of barbed wire fences, cattle panel fences and even a few pallet fences.  The one thing all of the fences had in common was that they were sagging, broken or completely destroyed.  Not much of a zombie deterrent when you think about it.

As we were discussing the intricacies of a proper zombie-proof fence, we came upon a stellar example.  It was chain link (painted a lovely green), about 8 feet tall and concluded at the most magnificent gate - heavy metal with bars close together and a decorative initial in the center.  Being in the middle of a hay field (cover was nowhere in sight), we saw the wisdom of investing in such a fence.  The only addition we thought might be prudent was a loosely coiled roll of razor wire affixed to the top of the fence - a deterrent for the really aggressive zombies.

Our zombie talk progressed from fences to encompass escape and evade techniques and which caliber varmint rifle would be best for zombie hunting.  The more we talked, the more we realized that your zombie tactics would change according to your location.  Follow me here.  If you are in America, your defenses will have to be redoubled.  American zombies are aggressive.  They are fast, tough and relatively intelligent (for zombies, that is).  They travel in a collective and overpower their victims with shear numbers.  American zombies have heightened senses, they lay in wait and have super-human strength.  Compare that with, say, English zombies.  English zombies (more appropriately called "British Zombies") are slow, relatively passive and easily dissuaded.  Overpowering an English zombie is simply a matter pushing them out of the way.  One could easily pick them off like ground squirrels with nothing more than a .22 and a defensive position.

Not only are English zombies pushovers, England itself is replete with zombie-proof dwellings.  Castles (some boasting moats) and fortresses dot the landscape.  Even the most aggressive zombies will be hard pressed to succeed where generations of knights failed.  Additional benefits of ancient fortresses are the fact that they were built to defend.  The circular staircases were built to allow a right-handed man to retreat while still fighting with his right hand while the aggressor had to advance using his left hand.  Very few American homes were built with defense in mind, hence, they are not particularly defensible (or zombie proof).

In the end, Miss Calamity and I concluded that in order to survive a zombie apocalypse, one might want to move to England.  With its superior castles and inferior zombies, Great Britain may be humankind's last, best hope for survival.  Have your passports ready - England may indeed be the best place to survive the zombie apocalypse.

America's Super Heros

Are we sure we need them????

For all of my Highly Educated Friends......

Just when you think you have all your bases covered....

You know you have blown OPSEC when you discover that you are everyone else's only contingency plan!

(Click on comic to enlarge)