Wednesday, March 19, 2014

You Might be Apocalypse Barbie if....

Image from Predator Intelligence
A number of months ago, Sir Knight and I took a much needed weekend off.  We left the children at home and made the trek to my parents house to spend a couple of days of wonderful fellowship.  We visited and ate and solved all of the worlds problems and generally enjoyed ourselves immensely.

One evening, my dad brought out a plate carrier that he had recently bought for mom, so that Sir Knight could help him get it all kitted out and ready.  Dad had mom put the carrier on, while he and Sir Knight moved around her, customizing all of the adjustments - letting it out a bit here and sucking it in there.  After the fit was perfect, they set about adding molle attachments.  "Do you want a dump pouch?", "How about a double taco?".  "Do you think a drop leg platform would work for you?".

As I sat there watching the proceedings, mom with her arms outstretched while dad and Sir Knight added accessories, it struck me - my dad and husband were grown up boys with their very own "Apocalypse Barbie".  Their "Barbie" wore combat boots and multicam and they could dress her in any number of tactical outfits.  They could outfit her with three day pack and an AR-15 for Long Range Reconnaissance Patrols, a Banshee Plate Carrier (with threat III plates), a Blackhawk CQB (Close Quarters Battle) holster (complete with a 1911 pistol) mounted high for operating out of a vehicle, 3 magazine pouches for the 1911 along with 3 double pouches for a total of 6 AR-15 magazines, for a mounted rescue mission.  Or, they could go light with Multicam summer-weight BDU's, a slung AR with a battle belt, a drop leg pistol holster and just a few extra magazines.  When you're dressing Apocalypse Barbie, the sky's the limit!

Image from Predator Intelligence
In an effort to help you determine if you, too, are an "Apocalypse Barbie", Maid Elizabeth and I have come up with a few indicators.

You Might be Apocalypse Barbie if.....

  1. You've ever uttered the words "Does this plate carrier make my butt look fat?"
  2. You have combat boot in multiple patterns and colors.
  3. You've ever received body armor for Christmas... and were excited.
  4. Your iphone has a Magpul protective case.
  5. You require the pattern on your magazine pouches to match the Duracoat on your weapon.
  6. You refuse to mix woodland camouflage with multicam.
  7. You wear R.A.T. boots and F.R.O.G. blouses.
  8. You really wish Infidel Body Armor would make contoured plates for a woman's shape.
  9. You actually think your combat boots look great with your long skirts.
  10. You've ever put your hair in a french braid so that your MICH helmet fits.
  11. Your son has ever uttered the words "My mom wears combat boots".
  12. You extol the virtues of "group standard" weapons to your girlfriends.
  13. Your local gas station owner seeks your advice when trying to determine whether to buy an AR or an AK.
  14. You have shemaghs to match all of your camo patterns.
  15. You hunt deer with a Steyr SSG.
  16. You've ever used the helmet light on your MICH helmet to find lost socks in the dark.
There you have it, a few hallmarks of Apocalypse Barbie.  My husband claims that boys don't play with dolls - so I guess I'm his "Action Figure"!  (I think he's really in it for the accessories!)


  1. That was hilarious! Thanks for brightening my day! So, would that make us guys Apocalypse Ken? :-)

  2. The definition of apocalypse has changed a little over the last few years. When I was in school, the apocalypse was supposed to come in the form of Russian-made suborbital things carrying artificial suns at the business end. I guess the Barbie for that apocalypse would have a yellow radiation suit, a fashion dosimeter and Geiger counter. Maybe a copy of "Brighter Than a Thousand Suns".

  3. Oh that was so funny. OK, we flunked the test. But in our defense, we did get ammo for wedding gifts!
    Montana Guy and Montana Gal

  4. When TSHTF; it will be what it is-you will have what you have- You will do what you do. Everything else is shopping for an End-Of- The- World prom dress.---Ray

  5. Huh, I'm an Apocalypse Barbie! Go me! Loved this so much. :-)

  6. I am so glad you guys have fun like this :>)

    Sort of reminded me of some friends talking about what do do if "Pocky Lips" happened.

  7. Loved it! Thanks. I might respectfully add that if you buy your camo knickers and bra to match the outwear camo patterns, then you might be... And I do wear combat boots with my long skirts - ever so comfy and great support.
    Lake Lili

  8. LOLOLOLOL Love This Blog!!!

    Can I find ANY of these supplies at WalMart??

  9. lol.......might as well have a little fun along the way.......loved it,
    longtime reader.....Peter

  10. that was awesome.... I grew up on GI I get to dress up my wife and

  11. That was priceless. You really got me chuckling with that post.

  12. or peacekeeper Barbie from farscape.

  13. Truly inspired, Enola. that was awesome!!