Zombie Nation

Awhile ago, I asked the question "What is it about Survivalists and Zombies?".  Well, I believe that I have the answer to my own question.  It's all about identifying the enemy.

When children are little, their world is so cut and dried.  They see things in black and white.  They play "Cops and Robbers" and "Cowboys and Indians".  On one side you have the "good guys" and on the other side you have the "bad guys".  There is no blurring of lines or gray areas.  Just good and bad.  And the good guys always win.  Always.

The world in which we now find ourselves is completely subjective.  There is no good or bad, right or wrong, just or unjust.  It's all relative - depending upon your point of view.  Once, our elected officials were held in high esteem and served with integrity and honesty.  Now, they openly do drugs, "sext" their constituents and defile their offices with unending regularity.  Although there is still honor in their position, the people occupying those positions are far from honorable.   Once, our police officers were regarded for their commitment to serve and protect.  They were trusted and revered.  Now, you are by far more likely to be killed by a police officer than you are by a terrorist*.  Tell me again who the good guys are?  The list could go on and on.  Priests and pastors used to be revered men of God - the very best of us - and now many populate an ever growing list of pedophiles and sexual deviants.   Even some teachers, entrusted with our most precious treasures, have joined the ranks of predators.   The lines between the good guys and the bad guys just keep getting fuzzier.

And now we have the rise of Zombies.  Really, it was inevitable.  Human nature needs to be able to identify the good guys and the bad guys.  In a society where you can no longer tell who is good and who is bad, where the lines have been blurred past recognition, you have to create those definitions for yourself.  When you no longer know if your government, your military, your police force, your educational institutions or your churches are allies or enemies, you create a world in which your enemy is easily identifiable and ultimately defeat-able.  In a desperate attempt to define good versus evil, you create the ultimate, non-negotiable survival scenario - the Zombie Apocalypse.

Unfortunately, the cataclysm our nation is facing will not be quite so cut-and-dried as a Zombie Apocalypse.  It will be far more insidious and difficult to maneuver.  Rather than just hacking the head off the nearest embodiment of the undead, we will have to use discernment and wisdom to identify our enemy.   History has shown us that our enemy often comes masqueraded as the giver of light.  He promises safety, equality and abundance for all, while quietly setting his snares for our destruction.

Beware not the Zombie, but rather the giver of gifts.


* Statistic for fatalities due to terrorism and police officers.

Reasonable Government

I have had a socio-political awakening.  All these years, I have believed that our all-reaching Government was intrusive and oppressive.  I have railed against the tyranny of self-important potentates dictating their corrupt morality to the masses.  But now, I have realized the error of my ways.  Our government is perfectly reasonable - they are only behaving in accordance with how we created them.

Recently, I came across a song that perfectly describes our current political climate.  Never mind that it is about Zombies - just substitute Judge, Legislator or President for Zombie, and you will have an accurate portrayal of just how reasonable our government truly is.....

NOTE:  For those of you who are wondering, this was written tongue-in-cheek!

The Best Place to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Miss Calamity and I were heading to town the other day and our conversation turned to - what else - zombies.  We were noticing the fences surrounding homes as we traveled along and deemed most of them woefully inadequate - they wouldn't keep out stray dogs, much less the flesh-eating undead.  A vast majority of the fences were of the picket variety, although, being in farm country, there were a number of barbed wire fences, cattle panel fences and even a few pallet fences.  The one thing all of the fences had in common was that they were sagging, broken or completely destroyed.  Not much of a zombie deterrent when you think about it.

As we were discussing the intricacies of a proper zombie-proof fence, we came upon a stellar example.  It was chain link (painted a lovely green), about 8 feet tall and concluded at the most magnificent gate - heavy metal with bars close together and a decorative initial in the center.  Being in the middle of a hay field (cover was nowhere in sight), we saw the wisdom of investing in such a fence.  The only addition we thought might be prudent was a loosely coiled roll of razor wire affixed to the top of the fence - a deterrent for the really aggressive zombies.

Our zombie talk progressed from fences to encompass escape and evade techniques and which caliber varmint rifle would be best for zombie hunting.  The more we talked, the more we realized that your zombie tactics would change according to your location.  Follow me here.  If you are in America, your defenses will have to be redoubled.  American zombies are aggressive.  They are fast, tough and relatively intelligent (for zombies, that is).  They travel in a collective and overpower their victims with shear numbers.  American zombies have heightened senses, they lay in wait and have super-human strength.  Compare that with, say, English zombies.  English zombies (more appropriately called "British Zombies") are slow, relatively passive and easily dissuaded.  Overpowering an English zombie is simply a matter pushing them out of the way.  One could easily pick them off like ground squirrels with nothing more than a .22 and a defensive position.

Not only are English zombies pushovers, England itself is replete with zombie-proof dwellings.  Castles (some boasting moats) and fortresses dot the landscape.  Even the most aggressive zombies will be hard pressed to succeed where generations of knights failed.  Additional benefits of ancient fortresses are the fact that they were built to defend.  The circular staircases were built to allow a right-handed man to retreat while still fighting with his right hand while the aggressor had to advance using his left hand.  Very few American homes were built with defense in mind, hence, they are not particularly defensible (or zombie proof).

In the end, Miss Calamity and I concluded that in order to survive a zombie apocalypse, one might want to move to England.  With its superior castles and inferior zombies, Great Britain may be humankind's last, best hope for survival.  Have your passports ready - England may indeed be the best place to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Patient Zero

Up-armoured Zombie Proof vehicle (the
one in front) to take us to the
refugee camp

I've got it!  After reading the CDC's Zombie Apocalypse article, I was troubled by a number of things, but my biggest cause for concern was the CDC's repeated instructions to report to a refugee center were they could properly take care of us until help arrived.  Then then it struck me - Assistant Surgeon General Ali Khan must be patient zero in the impending zombie plague!  His article is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to provide a zombie smorgasbord for his other zombie comrades.  While encouraging the masses to turn to the refugee centers for help, Ali Khan, is in fact herding unsuspecting "normals" into holding pens for his flesh-eating counterparts!  I told you I'd figured it out!

Being the rebels that we are, we happen to be canning chicken instead of plotting a map to the nearest fenced-in refugee camp.  Our radical idea is to weather whatever storms may come our way, whether they be zombies or not, right here in our own little humble shouse.  When Miss Calamity asked why we were canning more chicken this is what I told her....

Zombie Apocalypse

So, it's not just we survival freaks that are talking zombies now, it's the CDC.  Yes, you read that right.  The CDC just put out an article dealing with an impending Zombie Apocalypse and how to prepare for flesh-eating undead.  If you want to further your preparations for a zombie attack, you can read the article here.

I have come to the conclusion that the zombies we face may very well not be of the flesh-eating undead variety, but instead may be of the governmental undead variety.  They are a little harder to spot, but the undead is the undead.  The Zombie Apocalypse cometh.

What is it with Zombies and Survivalists?

I have been studying the inexplicable link between survivalists and zombies for quite some time, as I am married to a survivalist who loves a good (if you could ever call a zombie movie good) zombie flick at least once a month and who has passed this bizarre gene down to our son.  Every so often, the littlest boy, the girls and I will put ourselves to bed, and Sir Knight and Master Hand Grenade will break out the zombie movies.  No matter how many times I have asked what is so alluring about the living dead eating everyone in sight, the closest thing I ever get to an answer is knowing looks passed between my men and something to the effect of "It's just a guy thing I guess".

Apparently, it is not just my survival guys that are infected with the zombie virus.  There is no end to zombie websites, zombie discussions and zombie end-of-the-world scenarios.  Even JWR's Survival Blog is not exempt!  I was looking for good, solid, useful TEOTWAWKI information and what do I find?  The first zombie proof house!  How is a girl supposed to compete with that?  I just want to prepare for everyday scenarios, like a major pandemic, the failure of the dollar, famine, civil unrest - simple things like that.  But zombies?  How do you prepare to defend yourself against being your neighbors dinner?

And now, I am becoming one of them.  The other day, as Sir Knight and I drove up our driveway, I mentioned the fact that the enclosure around our sun room was not zombie proof.  The words came out before I even knew what I was saying!  Oh, my.  Now, in addition to preparing for the end of the world as we know it, I have to look out for flesh eating undead!

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them.
                                           Jeremiah 19:9