Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Best Place to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Miss Calamity and I were heading to town the other day and our conversation turned to - what else - zombies. We were noticing the fences surrounding homes as we traveled along and deemed most of them woefully inadequate - they wouldn't keep out stray dogs, much less the flesh-eating undead. A vast majority of the fences were of the picket variety, although, being in farm country, there were a number of barbed wire fences, cattle panel fences and even a few pallet fences. The one thing all of the fences had in common was that they were sagging, broken or completely destroyed. Not much of a zombie deterrent when you think about it.
As we were discussing the intricacies of a proper zombie-proof fence, we came upon a stellar example. It was chain link (painted a lovely green), about 8 feet tall and concluded at the most magnificent gate - heavy metal with bars close together and a decorative initial in the center. Being in the middle of a hay field (cover was nowhere in sight), we saw the wisdom of investing in such a fence. The only addition we thought might be prudent was a loosely coiled roll of razor wire affixed to the top of the fence - a deterrent for the really aggressive zombies.
Our zombie talk progressed from fences to encompass escape and evade techniques and which caliber varmint rifle would be best for zombie hunting. The more we talked, the more we realized that your zombie tactics would change according to your location. Follow me here. If you are in America, your defenses will have to be redoubled. American zombies are aggressive. They are fast, tough and relatively intelligent (for zombies, that is). They travel in a collective and overpower their victims with shear numbers. American zombies have heightened senses, they lay in wait and have super-human strength. Compare that with, say, English zombies. English zombies (more appropriately called "British Zombies") are slow, relatively passive and easily dissuaded. Overpowering an English zombie is simply a matter pushing them out of the way. One could easily pick them off like ground squirrels with nothing more than a .22 and a defensive position.
Not only are English zombies pushovers, England itself is replete with zombie-proof dwellings. Castles (some boasting moats) and fortresses dot the landscape. Even the most aggressive zombies will be hard pressed to succeed where generations of knights failed. Additional benefits of ancient fortresses are the fact that they were built to defend. The circular staircases were built to allow a right-handed man to retreat while still fighting with his right hand while the aggressor had to advance using his left hand. Very few American homes were built with defense in mind, hence, they are not particularly defensible (or zombie proof).
In the end, Miss Calamity and I concluded that in order to survive a zombie apocalypse, one might want to move to England. With its superior castles and inferior zombies, Great Britain may be humankind's last, best hope for survival. Have your passports ready - England may indeed be the best place to survive the zombie apocalypse.