Unintended Consequences

Marriage is one of the most challenging endeavors most of us will ever undertake.  We will be measured.  We will be weighed.  And we will be found wanting.  What we do when we have been pressed will determine the course of our lives and the generations given unto our care.

Sir Knight and I have not walked the perfect, peaceful walk of marital bliss.  We have fought, we have been unkind and we have known the desolation of utter aloneness.  We have also loved and served and known the joy of complete oneness.  There have been times when we have been convinced that our only chance to find happiness would be going our separate ways.  But, by the grace of God, we have held our family together and we have learned a thing or two.  We have found that we have to love each other more than we love ourselves.  We have learned that we have to obey God's direction, even when it doesn't feel good.  We have learned that we are responsible for our own behavior, no matter how the other person is acting.  We have also learned that the price of ripping apart this family would be far too expensive for us to be willing to pay.

Divorce is the norm for the modern family.  People move from one spouse to the next, leaving a wake of destruction in their path, not realizing the real consequences of their decisions.

A number of years ago, a friend of mine divorced her husband of many years.  Without a doubt, he was a hard man.  He was grumpy, given to a temper and not particularly appreciative of my friend's efforts to be good wife.  Their place was not given the attention it deserved and their children knew only a distant, preoccupied father.  Oh, there were good times - jam sessions in the living room, filling an entire pew on Sunday morning, pressing cider in the fall and family dinners, but still, my friend was unfulfilled. As time went on, she became more and more dissatisfied with her marriage.  The more focused she became on her lousy marriage, the more her husband failed to meet her expectations.  Soon, she began making time for a "dear family friend".  He was a listening ear, a sympathetic, nonjudgmental sounding board.  Lunch dates became more and more frequent and before they knew it, divorce papers where served.

My friend became the poster child for divorce.  She was thrilled.  Her life couldn't be better.  Her new husband was attentive and kind - hanging on her every word.  He filled that empty place in her soul and gave her a new lease on life.  Her home took on the look of careful attention and her dress and manner reflected her new position.  Her life was complete - a new truck in the yard, new furniture in the house and a new man in her bed.  Life couldn't have been better.

But little by little, the children began to unravel.  Once, her kids had been well-adjusted home schooled kids who were secure in their life.  Suddenly, their father had been replaced by a man they didn't know.  Homeschooling was replaced with a classroom and their mother was replaced by a woman they hardly knew.  Their new "dad" completely remodeled their home, erasing any vestige of their former life and their own father was reduced to a mere shadow of his former self.  His life had been stolen.  Everything and everyone he held dear was gone and he was crushed with the knowledge that he wasn't man enough to safeguard his own family from invading forces.

While mom thrived, the children paid the price.  One child is wracked with a deadly disease wrought from poor lifestyle choices.  One child has sought love with any willing person only to be used and discarded.  Other children were self-destructing, making choices that would affect their entire lives and the lives of those around them.  All those lives - derailed in smoldering carnage.  These children represent the unintended consequences of the sins of the parents.  They are the bleeding, broken victims of their parents selfishness.

I am quite aware that this will be a less-than-popular post.  Truth often is.  I do understand how difficult it can be to keep a marriage together.  I know it can be painful, unfulfilling and seemingly impossible.  But, I know that the rewards for staying, for sacrificing, for loving, are immeasurable.  It will be hard.  Stay.  Do the right thing, even if your spouse doesn't.  Love your spouse more than you love yourself.  It will hurt.  It will cost you something.  Do it anyway.  Your life is worth it.  Your children are worth it.  Don't allow the unintended consequences of divorce to ripple through your life or the lives of your children.

Stay.  Love.  Stand in the gap between your family and the evil of divorce.  Don't fall prey to the unintended consequences of ripping the life from those that you love the most.  Love truly covers a multitude of sins.  Love each other like Christ loves you. Your children will rise up and call you blessed.

Spring Cleaning

I have had a change of heart.  For the past couple of years, I have been doing the bare minimum around our home.  Oh, I organized the storage container and half-heartedly tidied up the shed, but I had no desire to waste my time improving our property, after all, I didn't really want to live here.  The more I let things go, the worse things looked, and the worse things looked, the more I wanted to move.  Let somebody else do the work, I thought.

After over two years of feeling sorry for myself, I woke up.  As much as I wanted to move, I realized that I needed to be a good steward of what I had.  And so I went to work.  I decided what was important to me and put my shoulder to the plow.  I planted two raspberry beds, planted an herb bed and prepared more beds for lettuce, beans and carrots.  I bought a lawn mower (ancient, but it works great!) and set the children to work mowing our fields.  We organized the outdoor racking and stacked lumber, barrels and tires.  We took multiple trips to the dump and set the burn pile on fire.

And then we noticed the change.  One evening, as Sir Knight and I were surveying our kingdom, he commented on how wonderful it was looking.  He mentioned that although we had done nothing monumental, all of the little things had made a huge difference.  It inspired him, he said, to do more - to tidy, to organize and to build.  By being good stewards of what we had, we had found contentment.  Rather than despising what we had, we embraced it.

As I thought about our spring cleaning, it occurred to me that our marriages could use a good spring cleaning from time to time.  How often do we become complacent, apathetic and even hostile toward one another?  How often do we allow things to get messy and then trip over our messes?  The messier things get, the less we want to deal with them.  And soon enough, we are looking for an address change.

While marriage can be challenging, it is well worth the effort to do a little spring cleaning.  If you are thinking of changing addresses, consider investing in your own real estate instead.  Take it upon yourself to be respectful (yes, even if your husband isn't being respectable).  Be kind, be patient, be cheerful.  Check your attitude at the door.  Hold your tongue if you can't say anything nice.  Little by little, with careful stewardship, your home real estate may take on a new luster.  You may come to find that home truly is where the heart is.

Spring cleaning awakened a new appreciation for our land.  Tending our marriages can do so much more.

Copyright© 2012 Enola Gay  All rights reserved

Wanted

Parents seeking.....

How would you start a personal add for your lovely, unmarried, Godly, adult daughter?  Not that we are likely to advertise in the local paper, but Sir Knight and I have been brainstorming ideas of traits that we would like to have in a son-in-law.  Being the off-beat family that we are, our list of qualifications looks more like a skill set than a romantic ideal of "Mr. Perfect".  So, here are some of the qualities we are looking for in our daughter's future husband....

1.  Non-negotiable - God-fearing, Jesus-loving, Christian.

2.  Loves children and considers them as a gift rather than a nuisance.

3.  Priest, Prophet, Provider & Protector of his family.

4.  Military (preferably at least one tour in Afghanistan - or other mountainous region).

5.  Proficient in small unit tactics (any special forces training a plus).

6.  Oath Keeper.

7.  A year's supply of food.

8.  Must have "group standard" weapons.

9. Ham Radio Operator.

This seems a little ridiculous, but it is amazing how few real men we come into contact with.  Mostly, we meet boys who are only interested in their girls running around with no clothes on and then taking what little they do have on at the drop of a hat.  Not for our girl.  We want more.  We have raised her to be more.

No.  I don't think we will take an add out in the paper or post a personal add on Craigslist.  I think we will pray.  We will pray for Maid Elizabeth's husband just like we have been praying for him since she was a little girl.  God will bring him in His perfect timing.  We will wait.

 

God's gift of marriage

Sir Knight and I do not always see eye to eye.  We have been married for 22 years and we have managed to avoid numerous pits waiting to devour our marriage and our children's future.  I have often questioned the wisdom of  a Holy God who could possibly expect any person to live out their covenant with another person.  I have spent sleepless nights calling out to God to mend my broken heart and "fix" my husband.  I have railed against my inability to make my life into the "perfect" christian witness.  I have failed as a wife.

Because God has not let either Sir Knight or I walk away from our commitment, we have reaped the blessings of perseverance.  We see each other not as we are, but as we want to be.  We know each others weaknesses and are merciful with one another.  God has given us eyes to see that marriage is not about giddy, happy feelings, but about becoming more Christ-like in our relationships and attitudes.  He has walked us through selfishness, jealousy and spite.  He has brought both of us to the point of brokenness and then mended our hearts - together - as one heart.

Still, we are two people.  I have come to find out that men and women speak a different language.  Not that one is right and the other wrong - they are both right, because God himself designed them - but they are different.  When my husband attacks a problem head on, I often end up with my heart shattered, tears streaming down my face, wondering why my husband has no idea why I am broken and bleeding.  Sir Knight, on the other hand gets frustrated with my reaction and is left feeling like a failure as a husband, father and man because he can't be who he thinks I want him to be.

Over the years, we have learned to speak more gently with one another.  We are better at letting each other know that we may be upset but we still love one another.  There are still times that we are like oil and water, but we are learning how oil and water can compliment each other, especially mixed with other ingredients.  We are figuring out that we can be better together than we could ever be independently.

This past week, Sir Knight and I were having a hard time understanding each other.  He said one thing, I heard another.  I said one thing, he heard something else entirely.  And then it hit me.  One of God's greatest purposes for  marriage is making us more like His son.  As Jesus hung on the cross, dying for the sins of the world, the Pharisees and Roman soldiers mocked and scorned him.  Rather than lash out and fight back with words of hatred, Jesus lifted his eyes toward heaven and said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do".  What an epiphany!  As husbands and wives, that is how we should approach one another.  We speak a different language.  Rather than getting angry and demanding our rights we should see our spouses as God sees us, as sinful beings who don't realize how our actions and words affect the other person.  When we sin and wound God, He forgives us, because we don't know what we are doing.  When my husband hurts me or says unkind things, I need to pray that God forgive him, because he doesn't know what his words do to me.  Sir Knight, too, could pray to ask God to forgive me, because I don't know how my words or lack of respect wound him.

God is teaching me, through my marriage, to become more like His son.  I praise Him for the man He gave to be my priest, prophet, provider and protector.  I praise Him that through my and my husbands human weakness and sin, He is transforming both of us into the image of His son.  I praise God for Sir Knight.

God's System of Government

Saturday, March 20, 2010

God's System of Government

It is amazing to me how parenting teaches us many of the lessons we need to learn.  For many years, I have struggled with my position as a wife and mother.  Where do I fit? From reading the Bible, I know that I need to be obedient to my own husband, but how does that translate into everyday living?  I know that he is the Head of our family, the leader, and I am support staff, but what does that look like?  Does that mean that I can never voice an opinion and have to meekly accept any decisions my husband makes with nary the bat of an eyelash?  I have struggled to find a balance in my position.  A wise man takes his wife's counsel, but how do I know when I am "counseling" him or just telling him what to do and how to do it?  Interestingly, it was an encounter with my oldest daughter that answered many of these questions for me.

I was having a rather prickly moment with my two middle children regarding the state of their bedrooms.  Maybe prickly isn't quite the right word - picture a volcano spewing smoke, getting ready to blast and rain molten lava and rock on the face of the countryside - that might be a little more accurate.  Anyway, as I spewed away, justifiably, of course, my eldest daughter broke in and said, "enough, Mom - you have no business talking to them like that!".  Immediately, I saw red.  She had no business speaking to me like that!  I was the mom - she was the daughter.  She was out of order!  Then it hit me. It wasn't that what eldest daughter had said was wrong, in fact, she was quite right - it was that it was out of order, therefore it was offensive.  Had eldest daughter talked to me later, when I was receptive, or if she had quietly asked to speak to me elsewhere, out of siblings listening ears, I would have seen her wisdom and responded much more positively to her words.  Her words would have been spoken in the appropriate manner, in order, therefore they would have been received.  My eyes were opened.  The nature of eldest daughter's offense with me was exactly the nature of my offense with my husband.  No wonder he didn't respond well to my words of wisdom.  My words were offensive, because they were out of order!  I wasn't waiting for the appropriate time to talk with him and I wasn't speaking to him with respect, but more like a mother chastising her small child.  Oh, how offensive my words and very attitude must have been to him!  It wasn't that I wasn't "right" approaching my husband with my grievances - my thoughts were justified and timely, but I was offensive in the manner in which I delivered my "wisdom".

I was so excited so have learned this little pearl of knowledge that I couldn't wait to put it into practice and see the results.   Typically, all to soon, I had the chance.  One of our friends sons was spending the day with us, and he and eldest son were busy playing outside.  My husband had planned to work on the wood deck and headed out to get his chainsaw and gear together and put the boys to work splitting wood with the log splitter.  The minute they saw him come out the door, they high-tailed it for the woods!  They knew there was work to be done, but thought they could get out of it by getting out of Dodge.  I was hot!!!  I trotted them up out of the woods, filling their ears with many useful scriptures - particularly those dealing with the admonition that those who do not work will not eat (if anything can get the attention of a couple of 14 year old boys, it is food!).  By the time we had crested the hill, they were contrite and headed out to the wood deck to make restitution.  My husband wasn't having any of it.  He would rather work alone than have a couple of boys who would rather play boy than be manly.  The boys were miserable.  They realized the error of their ways, but now they were not being allowed to make things right.  It was time to put my new found wisdom to use.  I went out to the wood deck and asked my husband to reconsider.  He said NO!  I went back to the house, and started to get a little irritated.  When you do something wrong, you have to be able to fix it.  I wanted the boys to be able to earn Husband's approval - they were desperate for it.  This time, instead of going outside to tell my husband all of the things he was doing wrong, I decided to pray for a quiet and gentle spirit and for the wisdom to deal appropriately with my husband - and to accept his decisions.  Once more, I set out for the wood deck.  I asked Husband if he would be willing to reconsider his decision.  This time, he shut off his chainsaw, set it down on a stump and said "what are you seeing that I am not seeing?'.  I explained my thoughts about the boys needing to be able to make it right and earn his approval, and guess what - HE LISTENED!  He allowed the boys to help him finish.  He helped them along their way toward manhood.  He extolled the virtues of working first so that you can enjoy playing later.  He showed them mercy.

God had taught me, in that one moment with eldest daughter, what his System of Government looks like.  He showed me that I can be right in my thoughts and opinions, but if I am not right in the way that I approach my husband, my words will fall on deaf ears.  He showed me that when I approach my husband with reverence and respect, I can effect change.  Finally, I understand how to be heard.

My husand - Slayer of Dragons!

I believe that my husband should be Knighted. He should be called Sir Knight in the city square. He is truly a modern day "Renaissance Man". This man can re-wire a forklift, fix an elevator, slaughter a cow, hunt to provide food, garden, fix anything with an engine, read to his kids, dance with his wife, sing praises of worship, make homemade root beer, drink tea (with china teacups), shoot a rifle with deadly accuracy, teach his sons about "all things men" and dress up to escort his daughters on "daddy dates". I stand in awe of him.

Now, for the slaying of dragons. Last night, after a full days work, my husband came home to a house that was only partially lit. One of our inverters quit working and no amount of banging the side could convince it to function. After a cup of tea (a man has to have his standards!) he went to work. He took the inverter apart, isolated the problem and attempted a repair - in the dark, with no light but a headlamp! Somehow, he knew what all the parts were, where they went, and what they did!?! He explained all of it to me while he was working. Of course, I just nodded my head in agreement, because it sounded like he was speaking Greek (which, of course, he was)! And then it hit me - he was doing battle with the dragon. We have so many situations in our lives that seem to come at us like fire-breathing behemoths of old. They circle us like beasts ready to devour our very lives. But then, my Knight in Shining Armour, my husband, stands between our family and certain destruction. He stands with his faith, his wrenches, his rifle, his resolve, his knowledge and his mercy. He slays the dragons. He does not always return from battle unscathed. There are times when he bears the scars of battles lost. He has moments of despair, moments of anger, moments of defeat - but always, he returns to the battle. He takes up his standard and rushes headlong into the fray. He is my Renaissance Man. He is my Hero. He is a Slayer of Dragons.

Married Ladies Only!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Married ladies only.....O.K. boys, run along now!

I have been talking to my oldest daughter (20) about men recently and thought I would share with you some of the things I have been sharing with her.

Men are really pretty easy to please, you just have to know a few biblical principles.

"O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely"
Song of Solomon 2:14

Men like to see their wives and they like to hear them talk to them. Now, I am not just talking about when they come home from work, but when they are in the bedroom. Women, we have a tendency not to want to take our clothes off in front of our husbands - we have all kinds of reasons - "I'm to fat, I have stretch marks, I sag here or there", but they LOVE to look at us. Men are very visual, they need to see us. As wives, we NEED to let them. And we need to talk to them. Tell them how handsome they are. Tell them how much you love their muscles. They need that from us - the rewards are indescribable.


"Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon."
Song of Solomon 4:11

We need to prepare ourselves for our husbands. We need to plan and prepare for an enchanted evening with our beloved. Bathe, use scented soaps, powders, lotions. Put something "hospitable" on, not to complicated.


"I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Come, by beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves."
Song of Solomon 6:10-12

Prepare your bedroom for your mutual enjoyment. Our bedrooms should be a haven of intimacy. They should be fresh, sweet smelling. Scented candles are wonderful. They lend a lovely smell and a soft light to see and be seen by. By us preparing our bedrooms, we are telling our husbands that we have been thinking of them, planning for them, anticipating and yearning for them. Our husbands long for us to desire them - preparing ourselves and our rooms will speak volumes to them.


"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine."
Song of Solomon 1:2

A godly marriage is a gift of indescribable worth. It is intoxicating. It is a perfect picture of Christ and his bride. It is our great privilege, ladies, to nurture our marriages and to "perfume" our marriage bed.