Sunday, December 4, 2011

Confessions of a Kool-Aid addict

A couple of weeks ago, a feminist blog picked up one of my posts (a post that was decidedly anti-feminist) and pleaded with me, saying "Enola, please, don't drink the Kool-Aid"!  I cracked up - thinking, "If only they knew"......

I grew up in a rabidly feministic generation.  My education (at public schools) groomed me take my place among the highly intelligent women of the day, slaying the dragon of "the chauvinistic, controlling, male-dominated society" that was chaining women to the drudgery of home and hearth.  Our goal was clear - to put men in their place.  Gone were the days when women would be trapped in "abusive" marriages, forced to wipe the snotty noses of whining children and clean up after a man, whose only redeeming quality was his XY chromosome.  Freeing the bonds of tyranny with which men had enslaved women depended on me and my fellow "enlightened" women.

After I left school, I embarked on my journey to the promised land.  I was promised a land flowing with milk and honey - working at a "fulfilling, meaningful" job during the day (making money hand over fist) and enjoying domestic bliss on the weekends and evenings.  I could achieve perfection.  I would be able to utilize my intelligence, reviewing legislation and working as a legislative liaison, while my child was being guided and taught by a "professional".  My husband could very well clean the house and start dinner, after all, weren't we "equal" partners?

With all of the feminist promises being fulfilled, why did I feel so empty?  Why did I go to work day after day with the thought "there has to be more to life than this"?  Why did I feel guilty every time I dropped my daughter off "at the best pre-school" in town and every time my husband came home to a cold, lifeless house?  Why did it seem completely backward when I put my boss's requests before my own husbands?  Why did I feel chained to my job, when working outside the home was supposed to set me free?

Awards, certificates and professional accolades came and with them the feeling of emptiness grew.  By the measure of the world, I was successful, but there was a gnawing hole in my soul that longed to be filled.

Sir Knight and I bought a house and moved to a small neighborhood north of Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  As we got to know our neighbors, one family really intrigued us.  This family had four children, three of which still lived at home.  Their children were so nice, polite and respectful that it caught us a little off guard.  They called us Mr. and Mrs. and when we visited with their parents, they quietly listened, only interjecting when they had something important to add.  They didn't hide themselves away, playing video games or watching television - in fact, they would take our little girl and actually  play with her (they were 6 years and more her senior).

Joy, the mom, seemed to have a quiet peace about her.  I used to show up at her doorstep, unannounced, just to see what she was doing.  She seemed to always have a tidy house, always have something just coming out of the oven and always had time for tea and a visit.  Oh, and she homeschooled her children, raised a huge garden, milked a cow, had chickens, ground her own grain for bread - the list went on and on.  She was intelligent, well-spoken and ran her household in a manner that would be the envy of most CEO's.  I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

After knowing Joy, her husband and her children for about 6 months, Sir Knight and I decided it was time for me to quit my job.  With fear and trepidation, I gave my two weeks notice.  I pulled my daughter out of "the best" pre-school and started ordering homeschool books.

For the first six months of my new life, I was at a bit of a loss.  My mother had always worked.  In fact, every women I had ever known had held down a job.  My thoughts regarding housewives had always been less than flattering and it was hard for me to admit that I had joined their ranks.  And so I turned to Joy.  I watched her as she spoke to her children.  I watched her as she served her husband.  I watched her as she worked in her garden, milked her cow, made cheese and butter and bread.  I watched her as she provided hospitality, cared for her aging relatives and worked through family heartbreak.  I watched her as she stumbled on her walk with her God and I watched her as she picked herself up and courageously marched on.  I watched - and I learned.

The more I served my husband and my children as a wife and mother, the more peaceful I became.  I no longer struggled to serve two masters - I served only those who God told me to serve.  Gone were the tears as I separated myself from my little girl every day.  Gone were days when my husband came home to a cold, lifeless home.  Our home was alive!  It was filled with warmth, goodness and life.

After throwing off the chains of feminism, I began to wonder what other lies I had believed.  I began to question and search.  The more Sir Knight and I questioned, the more our lives changed.  We began to take more responsibility for our family.  In our taking responsibility, we bucked the system.  We found that taking responsibility was in fact, taking the road less traveled.

In the end, it was the rejection of feminism that has brought us to the point we are today.  Had I continued to work, we would never have moved to a shop in the middle of a prairie.  We would never have lived off the grid, homeschooled our children or had babies at home. We wouldn't have dug into the bible and come to believe EVERY word.  We wouldn't have made the choice to live our lives for other people instead of ourselves.  If we hadn't rejected feminism, I would, in fact, be a slave to the master "career".

I look around, thankful not be a slave to feminism.  I see so clearly where feminism has deposited modern civilization.  Women no longer have the protection of their husbands.  Families are left broken and exposed.  Children grow up without knowing a loving father and women are reduced to being little more than wards of the State.

The unfortunate consequence of radical feminism has been the destruction of families - the first and best safety net for humanity.  In our desire to be "equal", women have gotten more than we bargained for - now not only do we have the responsibilities God gave to women, we have the responsibilities he gave to men also.  What we thought would free us has actually wrapped us in chains of bondage.

So, yes, I am addicted to Kool-Aid.  I believe that the bible is the unerring word of God.  I believe that EVERY word in it is true.  I believe that women should be keepers at home.  I believe that women should be obedient to their own husband.  I believe that the man is the head of women and that Christ is the head of man.  And if that is what you call Kool-Aid - bring it on!


  1. Very well said, Enola. Amen!

  2. If only there were more of you...

  3. i know exactly what you mean. twenty two years ago i lived the best of both worlds and became an expert multitasker. then i woke up and realized how utterly miserable i had become being a part time mom, a part time homemaker, a part time wife, part time this and that...there was never time to be full time anything so i took that to mean i was not being who and what i was meant to be. womens lib did nothing for the woman of america but rob them of what was theirs from the beginning.

  4. Thumbs up! I am about your age and over the years realized what a LIE womens lib was and have come to believe that it was instigated in order to divide and conquer. While I am a working mother (I have two of my own businesses from HOME) my home is FIRST but that is why I work from home, so that my family, home and children can be put first. In fact, my husband (second one) doesn't understand that my house is MINE :) His first wife was the 'feminist' and he became used to 'doing' what she didn't have time for. But he and I are working it out and honestly, it causes less conflict and creates more time for both of us. While I applaud women who can do a man's work and think they like it, you know, truth is, we are not the same and each has their innate, inborn talents to express...mine is in the home.

  5. The feminist agenda worked out well for the government. Not for the Family.

    For the cost of having two breadwinners, two salaries, bigger houses, more cars, children cast into public schools, more taxes, more money flowing through the economic Wall streets, more stuff...less time for family...
    the government won.
    The family that calls this path "success", and prides itself on it's worldly material possessions, yet, the family members are all strangers to each other,
    is to be pitied.
    Pray for the woman who has lost her direction, to return to God before money, and to His word and back to her family.

    Women need to pray to God and ask for His divine direction and intervention, pray to meet a "Joy", a role model and friend who practices Titus 2, Proverbs 30 behaviors and beliefs.

    Enola, I too found my way back HOME after many years of "success" and sadness.
    I am fulfilled today, being a Titus 2 woman, homemaker, keeper, and wife. God's words are freeing.
    Follow them, and you will find what you are searching for, in all things.


  6. I've always considered myself a bit of a feminist, but not in the way most people would think. I mean, the feminist movement was very against midwifery. But to me, being a feminist isn't about rebelling against men. It's about rebelling against what society says we ought to be. We ought to be bone thin, we ought to be weak, we ought to be so many things that aren't right. To me, being a feminist is about taking control of yourself and being who you want to be, not who society wants you to be.
    I don't think there's anything wrong with women who work. I also think that yes, while the husband is the head, marriage is also, much oxen pulling a plow, teamwork.
    Ultimately, to me, feminism is about allowing a woman to be just that a woman. And not a pretty background decoration who only cooks and cleans, but can do all that and still be intelligent and strong and make her own decisions, help her husband. True feminism is being a Proverbs 31 woman in a world that has lost what that means.

  7. Amen, amen! Thank you, Enola. It isn't easy to speak such truths in a time when women are told they are superior and the family is being torn apart. I have been on this journey as a housewife for about 8 months (though I've been married for 3 1/2 years). Sometimes when people ask me what I do, I still catch myself saying, "Oh, I'm just a housewife." Really though, it is such an honor to serve my husband and hopefully one day soon our children. =]

    Renee N.

  8. Absolutely excellent post! Thank you.

  9. Amen, Sister. I would like to encourage all of the "Joys" out there to not be afraid to be an influence in your community. We have lived our lives quietly before the Lord in our neighborhood. We have trained our children in the things of the Lord. We have tried to be helpful when we could. Our children have been polite and kind to adults and children alike. Guess what! The people in our neighborhood have noticed the difference in our lives. The Lord has given us a great opportunity to minister to a neighboring family. It has caused this family to compare their lives with ours and see a profound difference. Just today our youngest daughter (14) was able to emphasize to this family how important it is for parents to look out for their children and keep them safe. The conversation started because she was riding with them and the mom was speeding and driving a little erratically. They encouraged my daughter to "just not mention it" to us. She let them know that she needed to tell us so that we could decide if she was safe in that type of situation. Way to go, Daughter. Thank the Lord for children who are not willing to back down from right and who understand what their parents are supposed to be and do for their children.

  10. Excellent post! I AM a feminist in a way..I believe we ARE equal to men, but that doesn't mean I need to give up my family and work outside of the home, leaving the kiddies to be raised by someone else and never having rest from the go-go-go of a two working family home.
    I stayed home to raise my kids and never regretted it for a second. I still stay home because it makes sense for our family life. I am at peace with this and have never felt that I was "less" or not carrying the banner for women. We do what works and one partner at home doing the work there makes the family work. I feel sorry for the ladies who are stuck out there not having a life because THEY drank the koolaid (not us).

  11. Just FYI, X and Y are separate chromosomes. Sorry, too many years of school---can't help myself.

  12. Amen, Amen, Amen, sister! I, too, am probably near your age or a little older, and was raised to believe that I should have it all - which included the all-important career, and a husband who would be oh-so-glad to happily divide in half all the home chores, and we would be such a team! Well, as many others, I found out that was certainly not the road to fulfillment and joy. For years I felt God calling me to stay home, but I didn't trust enough that He would provide for our needs without my job. Long story short, one day I did decide to trust enough, and boy, has He proven Himself! I now stay at home, homeschool, keep my grandchildren, and I am more content and satisfied than I ever could have hoped for. Ladies, we were sold a bill of goods with the feminist movement that were just a bunch of Lies! I thank God every day for opening my eyes to His truth.

  13. Thank you, Enola. I have to forward compliments to you, from a friend who says my wise counsel has helped her to understand her husband and her rightful place in the structure of the family. I was only repeating what you have put into words and demonstrated by your life choices. I am striving every day to walk the path God chose for me, not the one our government would like for me.
    The marketing of feminism was fabulous, but mostly lies. It was all about generating revenue for the government via earnings tax and supporting a debtor economy via two income standards for mortgages and all the accoutrements that go with the excess that is the gold standard for "the Joneses". Look where it has gotten our country! How many people have service jobs because people can't do for themselves what they used to do. They are often the first ones out of jobs when the economy falters.
    It took several months before I quit panicking every morning because I wasn't headed out the door to work. I had to trust in God that it was the right thing and let that panic go, as well. My family has been so much better off without my income, with me at home to do the things I was called to do. Of course, being married to a man that can do it all, I had to fight a little (figuratively speaking) to reclaim my territory, but it has worked out. The commenter that made the comparison to the oxen team is right, but I am pulling my side and my husband is pulling his. We can cover for each other when necessary or the load is heavier. That's what we do. We NEVER say or act in a manner that indicates something is not our job, but we fulfill our responsibilities to God and family, have relegated the government to just the receiver of "what is Caesar's", and have shed the awful burden of trying to fulfill other people's wrongful idea of what we were supposed to be.
    Thank you for helping to light the way and for being a public affirmation.

  14. It strikes me as not just coincidental that so many of the early feminist were lesbian and by their words and writing hated men. I suspect the feminist movement was not intended to help women as much as it was intended to hurt men.

  15. Excellent post! The feminist movement has done nothing but hurt the home life and the children. I understand it was meant to empower women, but the cost of that "empowerment" has spelled disaster for this country and the generations affected by it. As a single mother, I wish and long for the day I can stay home to be a better mother to my children. Again, excellent post!

  16. Enola,

    I beleive that "materielism" is a major reason why both parents work. Evan though the husband makes decent money there is the latest giant flatscreen TV to purchase. Nice big new cars and trucks to own, Ipads, Ipods, Iphones and all of the other chineses made Ijunk under the sun to own.
    How much more does a family need to own. How many toys and gadgets. Raising your own kids to be hard working, good people is much more important and any gadget availible.

    I think feminism is not really to root cause why most women work. I think its to make money for things like a $4200.00 home theater setup. Everyones thinking you can get happiness through materielism is what Im trying to say.

    I know in many situations two working parents are just trying to keep a roof over thier childrens heads and food on the table, so everyone has a different reason why both parents work.

  17. AMEN, Enola Gay!!!!! Bless you for writing this! I, too, will drink the Kool-Aid--I will drink deeply of it, and enjoy the snuggles of my children all day long, and the deep, sweet love of being my husband's sweetheart, friend, confidant, and lover. My life is joyful, full of work, and I am able to breathe, and rest, and not feel pulled in 4 million directions. Being a keeper of our home is a blessing, not a curse, and my life is full of blessedness. ;)

  18. Thank you for this excellent post. I am printing it out to add to my notebook of similar articles I read when a little doubt begins to creep in and I need some reassurance that I am doing the right thing by staying home and being the "keeper" of my home and family. Thanks again!

  19. Not trying to be confrontational, or even disagreeable.
    While I agree wholeheartedly that the feminism promoted which made women dissatisfied with marriage and child-rearing, my heart hurt a bit at the quote marks around your "abusive" husband remark. Enola, there are a lot of women hurting in those "abusive" marriages. I was one.
    And the Christians I went to for help put the marriage over the person. They refused to see my ex's dysfunction because he was the "head", and I was to be submissive to his abuse no matter what.
    I understand what you believe about marriage. In spite of everything, I still believe in tradition, staying at home, loving my kids and respecting men. But I no longer believe I have to fill a "role" or God won't bless me.
    He has seen the pain of women where their men have broken every promise and destroyed their marriage, and feminism has little to do with it.
    I would just ask that you carefully consider your generalizations, particularly where abusive marriage is concerned.
    ...and I do agree with many of the comments here.
    Thanks for letting me comment.

  20. Dear Julia;
    I'm so sorry for your broken marriage. God does see our hearts and knows our souls - a fact I am eternally grateful for.

    When I mentioned "abusive" I wasn't referring to the monsters that beat their wives and children to death. I was referring to women, like my aunt, who consider having a tuna fish sandwich thrown at them "abusive". I was referring to the untold women that consider their husbands abusive if they act out in anger - ever. I was referring to the women who think their husband is "abusive" if they want to know where their wife is or who she is talking to on the phone.

    My experience with marriage is probably not unlike many womens experiences. I have come to see marriage as Christ's way of refining me. I look at our struggles as God's method of making me like His son. It is not always comfortable, it is not always easy and, quite frankly, sometimes it seems that it would be easier not to be married. But, I believe that it is God's best way to mold and shape us in His image.

    Just like everything else in life, there are extremes in marriage. I am very sorry that your's was at one end of that extreme. I pray that God will bring beauty out of the ashes (your comment sounds like He is!), and I pray that He guides you as you walk along His path.

    Go with God.


  21. Beautiful, just beautiful.

  22. Wonderfully said. I am going to share this. I am so thankful for women like you who can speak so plainly the things I truly believe.

  23. That was my Mama in that story and im so proud of her. I love my mom and remibering all of the good that she did for my Dady and for us kids is priceless! There is no amount of riches that could ever repay all of the time, all of the love, all of tears,and the prayers she spent on me. She had the most important job of all and that job is called life which before God life is sacred! My Mama was always there from my first breath of life.

  24. Thank you, Enola. You clearly put into words the damage that _radical_ feminism has done to our nation.

    I think you also realize that the battle against the radical aspects of feminism _must_ come from women. We men can't touch it with a 10-foot pole.

  25. Anonymous 8:33;
    I am assuming that you are one of Joy's children! I'm so glad you came to visit - I miss you all. You are right - your mama loves you fiercely. And so does your dad. We love you too.

  26. Thank you for your kind words, Enola.
    I had to respond to make sure I don't leave a false impression. My ex was not a monster who beat me.
    The church did not consider my marriage extreme. I had no bruises to show anyone.
    All I had left after twenty-two years was a crushed spirit and little belief that my Lord loved me.
    While it wouldn't be prudent for me to make a list or split hairs over what is considered abuse, I can say I've been to domestic abuse support groups and shelters, and learned that abuse is not about bruises and's about fear and control.

    It isn't a constant, but it does escalate.
    It may start with throwing food, but it can end with throwing knives. I've seen it.
    I am not trying to draw a line in the sand where abuse is concerned. I understand some people will simply not see it as I see it. They haven't lived it.
    So, I hope you can infer from my explanation, that I am not talking about normal human emotions of anger or frustration.

    Did Jesus not say that a man who hates has murdered in his heart? What would He say about a man who hates his wife? It doesn't always look like a bruise or black eye.
    You said God sees our hearts and knows our souls and I agree. He sees the hurt inflicted on a wife's soul when her broken angry husband insists he doesn't like her, much less love her, but she better make sure the toilets are cleaned and laundry done.

    I've been reading your blog a long time, Enola, and I admire your thoughts on many things. I will continue because I believe you are gifted with many spiritual insights.
    It's difficult for me to convey much through someone else's blog, but I felt moved, not to correct, but to hopefully add something?

    You said it well: God refines us through our suffering. Yes. I found resources within that I didn't know I had.
    And they came out when I needed them most.
    The strength to finally say no. The strength to make it on my own. And children I'm so fiercely protective of, that I overcame my own fear and made a huge sacrifice to buy us a home of our own, so no one would subsidize our lives.
    So my sons would know that freedom is hard work. So we could find healing and solace in friendships we were never allowed to make.
    So I could continue to homeschool, bake bread and enjoy each day without someone telling me how worthless I was.

    I know God did not desire single-motherhood for me, but I also know He did not desire the darkness my children and I lived with.

    And at the end of the day, I have peace knowing that all things work for the good of those who love the Lord.
    Thank you for your prayer. That is gracious.
    Most sincerely and respectfully,

  27. Julia,
    I cannot believe what I just read from your comments. I too was very happy to read and learn from Enola's blog, particularly this one. Most of it is very true. I was encouraged to read this by my husband, who also left a comment on this blog. An ironic twist I guess.
    But I too felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw the so called "abusive" husband comment that was made out to be almost imaginary by Enola.
    I am living in the exact marriage that you just described. Having a black eye,(though I have had welts on my head) is not the only way to determine if a person is abused. Your past seems to be my present. And the way you worded it couldnt have been better understood.
    It is sad that I too along with my children are encouraged to continue in this harmful lifestyle by christian families for the sake of a marriage.
    Having a tunafish sandwhich thrown at your face is abuse. Or in my case it could be a dirty dish rag because the kitchen wasn't clean enough...There is not the slightest bit of respect and dignity for a human of any kind to be treated that way. And for someone that can go so low to throw something at your face, it DOES escelade. Because they have an issue.
    I too cling to the Lord, and though I have my faults and problems, I still try and live each day as being forgiven and living a new day. I fully understand that it is not God's will for anyone to have to raise a family as a single mother, in a fatherless home. It is also not God's will for a mother and children to be "abused" on the inside or out, in the name of being "the man". And being scared when the Dad pulls up not knowing which man to expect.
    The man who chooses that hour to follow Jesus and allow Him to carry him through his pain, or the man to give in to his anger and take it out on his family that has really worked hard to please him. Beleiving that Love can conquer all, instead of inflicting pain and conquering out fear constantly, is being stupid according to my husband. Being told your worthless and horrible everyday no matter what was accomplished that day, is a life that is almost not worth living.
    Thank you for your clarification and bravery Julia. Its nice to know that I'm not alone. And Enola, thank you for all of your wisdom and stories for so many people in this dark world today. I in no way hope I seem disprespectful towards you. I wish that all marriages could be as you and many other women have. It is just not always so black and white. It makes my heart so happy to see and hear stories of your family and the love you have. I have longed and dreamed of having that life for my family.
    Please pray for me and my children! I know I have made mistakes in our marriage, and that I am not perfect. I will turn to the Lord Jesus every step of the way. It hurts me so much to see my children suffer. And in this marriage or out of it, I know there will be suffering. Thank you Enola for all of your encouragement. I will never give up on God during this long road, and I know most of all, he will carry us through.

  28. Just wanted to say "Thank you" for this wonderful post!

  29. Here's a rule of determining if behavior is abusive.

    If it "feels" like abuse to you, it's abuse to you.

    Plain and simple.
    Find support and strength from God's words and connect with others who will help you on your path to obtain freedom from that "abuse".

    Whether it's bad behaviors being inflicted on yourself, by another, or from an outside factor, it will steal your peace from you, and distance you from God's rewards of happiness.


  30. Hi Enola,

    Is there any way for me to send you a personal email question?

    Thank you,

  31. Hi Enola, I would like to ask you some questions about my situation without posting on the blog. Here is my email address - Can you email me your email address so I can email you back?

    Thank you, Cindy

  32. Anyone who would like to email me privately may do so by clicking on my profile. There is an email button there.

  33. Amen Sister! I agree wholeheartedly. Isn't it amazing how God can transform our lives by the simple example of a Godly woman?

  34. Anonymous 12:45;
    Please email me - there is someone who would like to contact you.

  35. I'm here reading your blog quietly at home, thoroughly enjoying my cup of Kool-aid. To all you said: AMEN!!

    Izzy from NYC

  36. Enola,

    It's funny how the feminist movement was supposedly there to free women but all it did was force them into another role. Instead of being forced into the home like the hard line traditionalists wanted they were forced out into the working world and were told that being a homemaker was degrading to women. I grow tired how other people are always trying to tell other people what is best for them without asking them what they want.

    I applaud your choice of being a homemaker/off the grider and while it may be more fufilling I know it's a lot more work than taking the road most traveled.