Tuesday, July 10, 2012

To be a Gentlewoman



Gentleness (clemency).  God's gentleness is his grace, goodness and mercy and favors proceeding therefrom.  It applies to mildness of disposition.  It often permits intrigues.  It is opposed to harshness, severity, pride, violence and oppression.  It makes one unwilling to cause unhappiness or pain.  Gentleness prompts us to relieve want, overlook injury, restrain unkind feelings, soften severe judgement and correct ungracious manners.  It is evidence of refinement.  It is the dove-like influence that broods over and becomes guardian of one's  kindly inclinations.
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A sobering thought struck me as I was walking with my eldest daughter the other morning.  Womankind has lost one of her most persuasive, refining traits - the trait of gentleness.  In our current culture, women are encouraged to be aggressive.  They stand up for their rights and confront problems head-on, making no excuses.  If their children, their husband, their boss or even the sales clerk step out of line, they are quick to point out the error and demand immediate, contrite rectification.  They are commonly known as hags, nags, witches, harpies and any other number of unflattering euphemisms.  Women have gone from bringing out the best in mankind to bringing out the worst.

I, too, am guilty.  I have taken it upon myself to yell at my children (and even my husband) when they don't immediately take action when I have spoken.  I have said unkind things and reacted with an angry tongue when I am frustrated.  I have been selfish and self-centered, wanting the best all to myself.  I have been less than a gentlewoman.  But, I have been wrong.

I grew up raising horses.  I spent innumerable hours in the saddle and on the ground, training, training, training.  One thing that was instinctive, especially when dealing with a scared or unmanageable horse, was gentleness.  When a horses nostril flared and a wild look came into their eye, the first thing I did was lower my voice, talk soothingly and very gently stroke their face, neck and shoulder.  I whispered softly, moved slowly, and spoke to my charge of their strengths and unmatched character.  With undemanding gentleness, I would bring my steed back to a place of reason and from there, we would move to the task at hand, steady and strong.  Gentleness was my unfailing friend.

What a different outcome there would have been had I not been trained in gentleness.  Had I yelled at a wild eyed horse, I may very well have been trampled.  Had I hit a scared animal, the consequences may have been dire.  Most certainly, I would not have gained the confidence of the animal I was working with and would never have had the opportunity to guide that horse to its full potential.

Therein lies the key. Gentleness.  When I respond to my husband, my children or any person in my life with gentleness, I have the opportunity to speak into their lives.  A gentle word can turn away wrath and change the outcome of an argument.  A soothing voice can calm an explosive situation.

Throughout history, women have been a calming, refining influence.  Their gentleness and grace elevated mankind, bringing forth the best qualities while discouraging the base.  Men have been willing to fight and die on blood filled moors to defend their gentlewomen of honor.

Are we those same women?  Do we elevate our men and our children?  Are we a calming, gentling influence or does our very presence ignite strife?  To be a gentlewoman is to be a woman of persuasion, of influence.

Ladies, we can change our world.  Through our gentleness and grace we can change the course of our history.  Our gentle words can turn away wrath and our humility and grace can guide the feet of our children.  We may not be able to reform our country but we can reform our families.  Oh, to be a gentlewoman.

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

Proverbs 14 & 15

22 comments:

  1. one of your best!

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  2. I very much needed that, thank you :) May God send you an abundance of blessings! And give us all the grace to indeed be gentlewomen!

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  3. My ex-wife tore down her house with her attitude, her anger and her words. She broke my spirit, just crushed it, without ever raising a hand. It has taken me three years and a lot of prayer to get right with myself. It will take an amazing gentlewoman to get me to ever put my heart on the line again. Thank you for this post. I think that sometimes people, of either sex, don't understand how much damage they can do to another with their words and attitude.

    Mark

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  4. Wow! Did I ever need that. Thank you (and my visiting family Thanks you too. They just don't know it)

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  5. This is a beautiful post, and so very, very true - well said!

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  6. Thank you! Another encouraging post. Jennifer in western NC

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  7. I have family-male and female-who are the..demanding and abrasive type(not the terms that are normally applied to them). It works-short term. In the case of a great-aunt, until her son turned 18. He left for college, and her husband filed for divorce that day. She got "maintenance"(long term alimony is apparently a thing of the past)for a couple of years, then, yer on yer own. The rest of the family treated her as if she were radioactive(she viewed family as resources-begging, stealing-whatever). She did little more than guarantee that she would be shunned. Had she been a little kinder, the situation might have been radically different. I haven't seen her a couple decades, and don't want to.
    Kind and gentle goes a long way.

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  8. Beautiful post. I am asking God's Spirit living in my heart to help me respond more kindly and with more of the gentle spirit that is His Will. Thank you for sharing this wisdom.

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  9. Enola,


    (captaincrunch again)

    I kinda agree with Navy91, five comments up. I've know too many vindictive, sarcastic and mean women. I found a solution, I never married and I have no children. I got five dogs that are always glad to see me, always want attention and will be loyal to the end. I got a severe lower back injury in the military and I have to sleep on the floor on a rug a lot to straighten my spine out. (One of the dogs sleeps on a sofa right behind and above me. I think she is watching over me when I sleep)

    I will never know what having a wife or children is like. The damage was done long ago and the scars are deep. I can at least can live life in peace and harmony being single.

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    1. Yep, my 2 cats are my kids! :)

      Mark

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  10. To the men who have posted about being hurt by women. I am sorry that those have been your experiences and that it has colored your view on women. I do not know if you have faith in YHWH, if not, then please do not be offended as I relate my experiences through my faith.

    As a woman myself, I was hurt and abused by the man that I called daddy. The person who was to protect me from such pain and abuse. I was taught that to be loved you had to obey or else, and other things that a little girl shouldn't have to endure. I was wounded by hurt and the lingering pain of wanting to be loved differently yet only knowing the experience of love being painful. Reaching out for love yet at the same time shoving it away as a potection against it. It sounds a lot like what you describe. Wounded people shy away from love that is not as YHWH says it should be as in 1 Cor 13.

    I was blessed by YHWH with a husband that showed me what love was/is. How to love and BE loved, as it says in those verses. Wounded people can hurt others. But it doesn't have to be that way, and wounds DO heal, I can attest to that! Scars do not have to bar the way to a healing, but be a testament to what love can do, overcome.

    Those women may have been hurt and wounded long before you ever met them. They may have lost the ability to trust any man, yet still had the desire and smallest hope that it could be different. I had to see that also and it started with my husbands gentleness, patience and not giving up on me. We have had some hard times as he also had been hurt by those that were supposed to love and care for him. YHWH has been our source of strength, guidance and healing. We understand what love is, in HIM, and not of ourselves. We understand the victory of love and that it is the cure for the pain. Forgiveness for those that hurt us, and to love them, frees us, to love. Not by mankinds standards, but as Yeshua loved.

    Forgiveness doesn't excuse or exempt the one who has wronged us. It frees US, releases us from doing the same to the one who wronged us and then perpetuating hurt by a lack of or refusal to, love for others who have not hurt us (paying hurt forward).

    None of us, man or woman, is immune or exempt to the experience and effects of pain, abuse, hurt. We can hide it in our hearts and spirits and use and wear it as a shield against possible and most probable future hurts and pain. We can hold it and use it as a weapon to strike out like a wounded animal or we can let it be truely healed and free of the effects and fear of future pain. Showing a pain filled world what the gentle love of 1 Cor. 13,true love looks like.

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    1. Thank you for your response. Everything you said is on the money in my case. My ex was wounded long before I met her and she always had major trust issues, not just with me or men in general, but with people as a whole. I never gave her a reason not to trust me, she simply was never able let herself trust anyone. It got worse as the years passed. She is a decent woman and I feel no animosity towards her. When we split a few years ago I sincerely hoped (and still do) that she would someday find peace in her life. I have forgiven her, that was easy. The healing of myself is what has been so hard.

      You are quite correct in that wounds do heal. Mine are healing quite nicely now. I have found God to be a great help to me! The more I pray, the more I talk to Him, the better I feel, the stronger I feel. I haven't let the scars bar my way from healing, but the journey through this has taught me much, about life, about myself, it has brought me closer to God.

      One of the things that I learned is that I LIKE being married. I like having someone to share my life with, the good and the bad. I'm not ready to take on that role again... yet. I am working my way towards it... one baby step at a time. Another thing that I learned from this journey is that I will need a Godly, gentle woman that can be patient as I work out the last of my fears. I refuse to let my experience with a failed marriage ruin or run the rest of my life. And, thank you for the scripture, I will be looking it over. Every little bit helps! :)

      By the way, I never meant for my post to seem like my experience had colored my thoughts or feelings towards women, they haven't. Getting married is one of the single BEST decisions I ever made, I just chose the wrong woman. I only meant to point out that people (of both sexes) often don't appreciate the damage that words can do.

      Mark

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    2. Good to hear your reply and glad to hear that you are wrapped in the Father's healing arms! I know you will are/will be a source of encouragement for those in similar situations.

      I will pray for your wife's heart to be opened to healing also, it is so hard to watch someone who can be healed to not reach out for it (speaking from experience). I have to often ask forgiveness when I think of the pain that I have caused when I did not have the strength (YHVH's) to take what was mine in Him!

      Our written words do not always convey the emotion or intent, unfortunately. I "heard" in your words a familiar "sound" and I wanted to offer the best support and encouragement that I had, YHVH's love and promise of healing! Continue in Him my brother in Yeshua, we are praying for you!
      Sonya

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  11. Thank you for this post. I REALLY needed this.

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  12. Thank you.

    Seldom does any writer's articles reach so deep inside me to wake up something I've long since forgotten. I often come here to recharge my heart with hope for something better for myself, and for us all.

    Semper Fi

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  13. Enola

    Your post about gentle women is great and very timely.

    With only a very minor word change here and there,your post is equally applicable to men. My father (1901-1976) was a manly man and at the same time a true gentleman. So are my 3 sons and 2 sons-in-law and grandsons.

    I have the feeling that many folks are now awakening to fact that they can be strong and resolute while being gentlefolk.

    Semper Fi
    Hangtown Frank

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  14. It has been the cry of my heart from an early age to be this kind of woman. I struggled with the abuse and resultant trust issues, and finally made the decision the kind of man I desired most would deserve better than what I was able to offer him. So, I have decided not to seek a mate, but rather dedicate myself to learning how to love God, and accept His love in return.

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  15. Thank you, just this week I have raised my voice
    At my husband and child. As I was reading this I was thinking boy I've been awful this week, I am going to think before I react...

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  16. Thank you for this post. I think many women also struggle with exercising their rightful authority over their children, or in a working role, in a gentle way. Often it seems like one or the other. It is difficult to find models of gentleness who are also clear, firm and direct.
    I have found that when I am peaceful in my home (an ambition I often fail at), and lead my children with gentleness, they respond directly and happily to my authority. When I am harsh or disrespectful to them it ignites resistance, defensiveness, and lays the groundwork for rebellion.

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  17. I agree with Hangtown Frank above; most of this post can apply to either men or women. Gentleness is a virtue that is mostly lost to modern society, and where it isn't lost it is denigrated - so many people feel the need to be constantly combative and in conflict and refuse to be at peace. I am not afraid of peace; many of those who constantly are in strife are there because they are afraid of peace and quiet. We must resist the temptation of this world to be flashy, feisty, and easily angered and instead work quietly and purposely as we are called to in the Bible.
    As a single man, I am seeking a Godly gentlewoman to develop a harmonious relationship with - so far I have been unsuccessful.

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  18. I wish this article was required reading in all high schools, and universities, but, that won't happen in this evil age. I feel like we live in a different world, since sometime in the 1960's in America. The sexual revolutions destroyed the culture. Notice the music! We have come a long way from Doris Day,to Madonna, and Gaga! I am a 58 year old never married man, and I am losing hope, to find a gentlewoman. I see very few single women who are classy gentlewomen. Even in the church! I go to a 12 step group, and there is not one gentlewoman ladylike woman there. I sure fdo understand why so many American men, go overseas, especially the Asian countries, to find gentlewoman wives! America , in the last 45 years, has becaome a hard, harsh place, and gentlewomen are like rare jewels.

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